I feel fat.
It’s not that I jumped on a scale or couldn’t fit into my pants. It’s just a feeling. I am by no means in the best of shape nor the shape I dream of being, but I have lived many a day like this and haven’t felt fat. Today is my fat day. I think this comes around ever so often. I hate feeling fat.
Feeling fat usually leads to feeling ugly and feeling all around yuck. It doesn’t motivate. It doesn’t energize. It depleats. It slugs and moans and groans. It begs for compliments while the claws are out. The inside is soft and hurting. The outside is a fortress ready for the inevitable attacks.
The feeling will go at some point. Maybe even later this day–I did take some extra time with my hair and face. That’s good, right? Oh, to fight back and win the war.
The war isn’t won by exercise and eating right–even though they are great to do. It isn’t defeated with compliments as good as it might feel in the moment. It could be battled with the right combination of hormones; I’m just dreaming now. The answer eludes me just as much as when the monster will strike again.
I think of my daughters and want to solve it for them. If I can capture the monster, I can give them tools to fight it too. I think many girls fight it regardless of their shape and size. In the end, I know it has nothing to do with reality. Sometimes feelings are just that way.
Here’s what I’ve done so far:
1. I took a nap. It’s not something I can do always, but I could today. Having rested, I am in a better place to think.
2. I did a reasonable amount of grooming and chose clothes I feel comfortable and attractive in. Not going to win a fashion award in this, but I don’t want to hide myself either.
3. I am writing. That is a salve for me. It doesn’t work for everyone. But for me, it gets it out and, usually, it leads to better resolve.
What do I need to do next? I do need to do things that are positive. Things that are good to do. It doesn’t have to solve it all. I have responsibilities that need my attention. I’m already moving in the right direction. I have won.